How to say goodbye to your dog

I just had an argument, but not a fight with my parents on how to say goodbye to our pet dog Dori. Dori has been suffering from pulmonary edema which was caused by swollen heart and kidney failure. He hasn't been able to breathe normally but with short breaths and I could see that he was having a hard time. The vets at the animal hospital gave up on treatment, so we brought him home several days ago and he seemed to be doing well. He has been breathing deeper and longer breaths. However, he could not eat anything. My parents and I decided to make another visit to the hospital to treat him with fluid which in hope would extend his life a bit longer.

But that was a mistake. The vet suggested that Dori be once more hospitalized to see if we can see any improvements once more, but with full of doubts. I was in the position that we should bring him home so he could end his life at a comfortable surrounding. But the vet said that without proper treatment he would suffer from more pain and said that it would be better for him to be treated once more and we should also consider mercy killing if his health show no sign of improment. My mom agreed to the vet and I had no choice but follow her decision as she was more focused on reducing Dori's pain towards the end of his life. And I know that I needed to show mom's decision some respect as mom spent more time with Dori during his lifetime as I was studying abroad and working away from home even when I returned to Korea.

Still, I couldn't believe what my mom has decided but I was not in the mood for the argument. As I got back in the car i broke down and had to cry. Even my mom did. But I guess we were having different thoughts. Driving home felt longer than usual.

During lunch our family had a casual conversation. And I was about to leave home since there was no reason to stay if Dori wasn't around. And then mom suggested that I stay another day and see Dori tomorrow at the hospital. Well, that triggered my anger on mom's decision and I had to make a statement.

I know that Dori has been in a difficult position trying to fight his way to survive, but what I see from his eyes is comfort. Not the eyes that we saw when we was first hospitalized. At that time I was away from home working, and mom sent me a picture of him as he was first isolated in the oxygen cage for treatment. In that picture, Dori's eyes are full of fear, and feelings full of disappointment of being isolated, rejected, and abandoned. During the visits when he was hospitalized, I could see in eyes full of disappointment and seemed like as if he was having trouble finding a reason to live(see more pics here). He may have been in pain during the past few days at home when all the vets had gave up on him, but at least he seemed comfortable. The pic on the left is the first day of his hospitalization, and the pic on the right is yesterday evening.

Whenever I left his side and came back he would try to get up. When we were all asleep he would wander around the house visiting my mom's side and my side. He surely must be in pain but I think he want's to spend more time with his family. That's my story.

The vets already gave up on him once, and now they didn't like the idea of keeping at home util his death because of the fact that he will suffer from pain more. The vets kept emphasizing that there is about no chance of Dori getting better, and still they want to comfort him with treatment and extend his life at the hospital. He might feel less pain, but how much less pain? If there is not much chance for him to survive I think the longer he stays alive he would suffer more. I don't understand the vet's logic. And with what right is he suggesting mercy killing? For every creature they have their right to fight to the last moment. Dad keeps emphasizing that if he is suffering too mercy killing would be like a favor to him, but do we really know? And let's suppose that Dori want's to be killed mercifully, would it be morally right to do so? It's still murder and I would certainly doubt that my parents would be willing to kill me mercifully if I was suffering from pain even though I asked for it. Mercy killing is either way murder and suicide and I'm against that.

I am angry about my mother's decision, but at the same time I also respect that decision. The hard time I'm having is because my mom criticized me to be cruel. I may be wrong, but I'm not cruel. I love Dori as much as my parents do. He is like a brother to me. I was in his position, and I wasn't able to communicate  and understand why I had to be isolated and kept alone in the hospital, I think I'd rather stay home in pain but with the family and end my life being felt loved and not abandoned. That's just how I think it would be for Dori too.

I just couldn't stand the fact that my mom thinks I'm selfish and cruel. I know how it feels to be isolated. rejected, and abandoned as how I sometimes feel living in the society being not accepted. I just don't want Dori to feel that way. And most part of the sadness also comes from that fact that my parent's don't understand what I am going through.

With anger, I soon left home but soon I had to regret. One last chance to see Dori again would mean a lot to me. But I just couldn't go back home. So now I'm here at my grandfather's cemetery, about an hour away from home. I just had to come here for many reasons.

A week shy from 6 years ago, my grandfather died. About a week after I had returned to Korea. That was the closest death I encountered during my life, and yet I didn't have much feelings on the day of his death. Probably because grandpa had been ill for years already and I myself didn't have a chance to spend much time with him. Yes it was a sad moment for all of our family members but the feeling didn't quite strike me until he was buried. Maybe because i felt sorry for not being so sad as I am now for grandpa's death at that time, or maybe if all dogs really go to heaven grandpa is the closest person Dori know's in heaven, I just had to come see grandpa. Still sad and emotionally fragile, but I'm glad I came here. It's quite comforting. 

Here is one memory of grandpa and Dori that I would like to share. Once my family and grandparents went to a place for vacation. We all went to sleep and then mom heard Dori chewing on something really hard. Since we did not give him anything to chew on mom woke up to see what he was chewing. It turned out to be my grandfather's dentures. I don't know why he had an interest on such thing, but the incident has become one funny thing to remember grandpa. And soon Dori will be remembered from the story too.