Contaminated...

My mind is contaminated...
Contaminated with memories that turn out to be embarrassing, humiliating...
Contaminated with the memories of the past that turned out to be a total failure...
However, the most frustrating part is that those memories are the result of my carefully planned actions... I'm being obsessed with the thought that my mind and life is contaminated with memories that don't want to remember.

What the heck???
My life wasn't supposed to be designed this way... at least from my prospective. My guess is that nobody is perfect, and I was too naive to look ahead for unpredictable events. Unfortunately, my plan was thought to be near perfect, which means there was no plan B in the first place... No room for modification... If I were to design my life again I'd have to do it again... Just like how I design software... Trial and Error...

I don't know why but I just can't accept the fact that I have made some mistakes in my life... Nobody is perfect, I know... But I pursue perfection. It's just that for almost everything, you can give up perfection and not do it at all or redo it until you can make it perfect. But what about life???

Not living? Suicide is committing a sin...
Redo life? Impossible... out of the question...

I was thinking deep down in my mind
"Only if i can get rid of the memories that are bothering me..."
and pictured this...

However, that would mean termination... No more me...
Perhaps there must be a much more peaceful and pleasant way...
I need help... No more frustrating thoughts reoccurring in my mind...
I need happy thoughts... happy thoughts that can help me move on from where I am...
No starting from scratch... Modifying my life from here where I am, with more flexibility...
Please somebody tell me everything is good, acceptable, and understandable... and I'm the only one who is bothered by my own mistakes...